Getting over some kind of flue bug/cleansing thing and getting ready to move into Mother's Day weekend, with all of its expectations and lack of expectations. This being the first year without my mother, I'm preparing for an emotionally unpredictable day. One of the things I'm noticing with her passing, and maybe this is normal, my thoughts of her tend to be more holistic since she has been gone--thinking of her as being multiple ages, even the young woman I never knew. As if now, she is all the ages she ever was, in my mind and memory, including her childhood. It may be that because so many pictures and letters and stories were surfaced after her death, that those past times are now more real to me. She was a master of cover-up, my mom. Revealing as little about herself as possible. Sadly, I never borrowed her beautiful jewelry while she was alive--which I think she would have liked, or never saw the picture of me at ten weeks which I think she would have enjoyed showing me. Somehow they all got buried in the moment and the silly way we judged each other that kept us being just the age we were at that moment. I know there is something to be said for being in the moment, and that was what she and I were most of the time, except for the way that the past had of informing our reactions and responses to each other in both positive and negative ways. I'm sure I'll miss her on Sunday, a day that we rarely spent together but that she always made sure to send me a card and some money on since I became a mom. I'm glad to be chanting and being in the moment as we honor the Divine Mother and am really glad for the support I receive from our amazing community of chanting in Olympia. Namaste.
0 Comments
|